Just a Picture

Kids in the Snow

It Rarely Happens . . .

. . . that we see the white stuff in Houston, but we are seeing it today! And getting out of school early for it too! Thank you, weather!

Old Pictures

Charlie with Aunt Elizabeth, this summer.

Exhausted kids after a day at the beach this summer.

Molly having so much fun at the park!

Aaron and me being all cuddly!

Aaron cracking his naked self up in the mirror!

Goofy baby in the tub!!!!

Online - truly the way to go.

Thanksgiving night, midnight. Scott and I were still up. He had been sleeping all day and was feeling pretty peppy thanks to some hydrocodone. I mentioned that I might like to go to Toys-R-Us. Just to see. The kids were asleep, and Scott assured me that if something happened, he would call me straightaway. (Since he can't lift more than ten pounds for a month (due to the surgery) and since we live like five minutes from Toys-R-Us.)

Scott said, "Well, I guess everybody needs to experience it just once."

I decided to go to Wal-Mart first. You know, to let the line at Toys-R-Us subside a bit. Not that I actually believed that there would be massive amounts of people at Toys-R-Us at midnight. Surey not!

Scott said, "Oh, yes, there will."

I got to Wal-Mart and it was virtually vacant. I was there for about half an hour, and by the time I left, there were freight calls over the intercom. Trucks were being unloaded at the speed of light. Aisles were flooding with people. I had to get out of there!

On to Toys-R-Us.

First of all, I had to park across the street. Cars were parked in the grass, and I flatly refused to park in the grass at Toys-R-Us. No way. I'll walk across the street like a civilized human being, thank you.

There is a Red Lobster just across the parking lot from Toys-R-Us. I was confused by the people lining the front of Red Lobster. Was there a Midnight Lobster Madness or something? Yet, as I found my way to the front of the store and tried to find the end of the line, I understood the reason for the line in front of Red Lobster. It was the continuation of the line for Toys-R-Us, a line that curved all the way down the side of the store, looped around the back of the parking lot, and ended at Red Lobster. I stood and looked in shock at the scene around me: a crowd of people already in Toys-R-Us; store associates standing at the door of Toys-R-Us, craning their necks to get better views of the crowd in the store and the crowd ourside; store associates cruising the crowds and talking on walkee-talkees; thousands, maybe millions of people waiting quite calmly to get into the store, as if it is just an everyday occurance to wait hours and hours in chilly weather at midnight to get into Toys-R-Us. They were chatting on cell phones, listening to ipods, and eating fast food.

How naive I was about the whole Black Friday thing! People take this very seriously, folks!

I left. I just couldn't do it.

I got home and got online immediately. You know what? The doorbuster deals were also available onine, and most of them with free shipping! I ended up avoiding the crowds and found everything I wanted online, with a little help from an offer I couldn't refuse.

By the way, if you have Craigslist available to you, use it. We (are probably horrible parents because we do this) get used stuff all the time from Craigslist. The stuff is always in great shape, hardly used, and cheap!!!! I think it is better than ebay, because you just go pick the stuff up, you get to look at it first to see if you really want it, and you don't have to pay shipping. (I am getting some Thomas trains thanks to Craigslist). A lot of times people are just giving stuff away, too. Just saying. Craigslist is awesome.

Two stores I didn't abandon (besides Wal-Mart, just to kill time): Dollar General and Bath and Body Works. Dollar General because they really do have great stuff for really cheap, and Bath and Body Works because I am addicted to that place and fully convinced that all of my girlfriends are equally addicted!

Happy (cheap!) shopping!!!!!

I Am Surprised!

Beautiful Pain

I have this amazing friend from college, Brandi Haile. She is an awesome musician and she wrote a song that I just love called "Galaxy of Pieces." I was listening to that song (on my new ipod) on my way home from school today, and I love these lyrics:

And I had this dream that you were shattered / and there were pieces of you scattered all around on the ground / so many pretty pieces that I found / And I knew that I could never / glue you back together / but if I could / I was sure you would / be the prettiest stained-glass window pane / I'd ever seen / Prettiest pain I'd ever seen."

Notice the change from "pane" to "pain," which was something I noticed only today. And I started to wonder how pain could be beautiful, if it could be beautiful. The more I thought about it, the more true it became, that there can be beauty in pain.

Scripture says it quite clearly, that God will "provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair . . ." (Isaiah 61:3)

It is true that some of the most beautiful people I have known have been those who have gone through great amounts of pain and suffering. The people I am thinking of have endured things I can't imagine. And, even so, maybe because of . . . they are wise, giving, hopeful; they are open, without judgment; they have shining faces and lovely, honest smiles.

So maybe it is that beauty comes out of the pain, as the verse from Isaiah suggests. That pain, mourning, and despair can be traded for a crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, a garment of praise.

I hope so. I hope so.

Brandi's song spoke to me today in a way it never had. I love the image of the person who can never really be the same again after being shattered by pain, but becoming something brilliant and even more beautiful than before.

I have told many people that I am not ready to go on some big journey with God yet, and I'm certainly still not. I have known for quite some time that there will never be a going "back" for me, but maybe I'm seeing some new hope that the going forward will be better than I thought, maybe less scary; that the "becoming" will be worth it, and that maybe I can become something beautiful (which is way more than I ever thought possible) after all.

Halloween

Eliza was a wizard

Molly was a princess

Aaron was a ninja

We went to the Fall Festival at a nearby church, as has been our tradition for the past few years. I thought it was way more subdued this year; not nearly as crowded as normal. It was really relaxing and nice. Scott stayed home with Charlie. We are horrible people. We don't dress up anyone under the age of two in this house! No, really, Scott's back was killing him and I didn't feel like chasing after four kids all by myself, one of whom cannot speak and runs after anything he sees with no logic or warning. So they stayed home and watched something scary. The three big kids were wonderful and had the best time ever.

(P.S. Scott has his back surgery in two weeks so he will finally get some relief. Yay! Sorry, I know that is completely unrelated to Halloween.)

First Five

I got the coolest First Five cards from Peanut today!

Thank you, Peanut! I love them!

I am planning to work on my First Five stuff over Thanksgiving Break. It hasn't been a year since I posted my First Five yet, has it????

To tell you the truth . . .

. . . this whole looking for a new church home thing is really getting to me.

We like Gloria Dei, but it pretty far away.

We visited a church right beside our house yesterday. It is one we have visited before. It would be convenient, but Scott and I both know it is not what we're looking for.

I don't want to go to church because I feel guilty for not going. I don't want to go just because it is good for the kids.

I want a community. I don't want to be anonymous.

So I have been asking myself a lot, what is church? What is its function in society? What is it supposed to look like? What is it supposed to be? Do you have to wear dresses? How much of it is cultural? How much of it is tradition? Is there a balance? Who is the church? How is the church supposed to act? Do you have to meet in a big building? Does the church have to have twelve really good programs?

All of these questions, because I do not want to trade one church experience for another, do you know what I mean?

I miss Strawberry Community Church and First Baptist Church of Winterset so much. I miss those churches because we were a family. I miss those churches because the people were so real. I am longing for real relationships right now, and not for a community full of busy people. I know I am whining and I sound very judgmental. Sorry. I just remember the authenticity of those places, and I miss it.

That's enough for now.

One of my faves . . .

OK, I cannot look at this site without my mouth watering. I'm not kidding. I get chills. It's a sad testament to the kind of person I am. I want to be buried in piles of earrings.

Look for yourself. Just remember to come up for air.

Tell me this kid's not cute . . .

Another Cryptic Little Story For Your Enjoyment

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a teacher who loved her students very much. The teacher knew, as all teachers do, that sometimes teachers have to make tough decisions regarding their students. The loving teacher knew that these hard decisions might make others feel less than happy.

One day, the teacher made one of those decisions. The teacher knew it was the right thing to do, but sure enough, someone felt unhappy about it. So the teacher had to deal with that, and things were upsetting for awhile. The teacher wished it would just all go away. But the teacher also knew that the hard thing was the right thing.

Now the teacher is kind of sad and taking a lot of tylenol for all the pain caused by tension in her neck and head. She is also using the Bed Buddy a lot, on her neck. The teacher will be happy to elaborate on the story in a private e-mail. The teacher loves all of her devoted fans who read her blog.

Gloria Dei

We visited Gloria Dei Lutheran Church in Houston yesterday. It is right across from NASA! Pretty exciting. Even more exciting was the evidence all throughout the church and its members that they do what they believe. There were several mission trips in the works, and one that was just completed. The church places emphasis on BEING church to the surrounding community. The worship was amazing. The message was full of Truth. The members get together outside of the four walls on a regular basis. I'm not saying our search is over, but this is definitely the kind of church we are looking for.

Books

What is it about books? I love them.

Tonight we had a family outing tonight to the mall. We chose the mall that has the huge Barnes & Noble in it. Scott and I get 20% off there because we are teachers. Plus, it is just an awesome bookstore.

I spent most of my time in the children's section with the three big kids. I wanted all of the books. Just being surrounded by them made me happy. Curious George, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little House, Junie B. Jones, Harry Potter, Amelia Bedilia, Mrs. Nelson is Missing . . .

Scott had Charlie in the stroller while I stayed with the big kids and read with them. It was so much fun, and by that hour, we were pretty much the only ones in the children's area. Eliza kept running over to look at her favorites; Molly liked the princess books; Aaron wanted tractor books. I was happy to read with them while Scott picked out the Donald Miller books that I wanted.

I finally broke down and bought Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I have read it about a thousand times, and every time I do, I find something new in it. I also picked up Searching for God Knows What (also by Donald Miller). Scott found his treasures in the bargain book section. The kids each got a book, too, plus a couple of extras that I just had to get to add to their collections (Curious George Goes to the Chocolate Factory and The Velveteen Rabbit).

That's all. I just love looking at all those books. I love reading through them. I love that my kids love them. I could stay there for hours and hours and hours . . . but the store closes at 10:00 and we were all pretty tuckered out by that time. So we weeded through all the books that we had picked up and had to set some aside for later, otherwise we would have dropped about a hundred bucks! But it gives us something to look forward to for our next trip to the bookstore.

Looking

Our family is in the process of looking for a new church home. I have never thought of how weird that sounds until recently. To be "shopping" for a church; to be "looking" for one as though you have lost something. To weigh pros and cons as though buying a new car or something.

We joined our previous church mainly because I had become involved in helping with the small group ministry. I felt that if I were going to be involved, then I should be a member. This happened just shortly after we moved to the area. We hadn't visited many churches before we settled, either.

Now it just feels so strange. The only reason I have ever left churches in the past was because I moved or got a job at a church. Now it is that we have not left the community, but have left a church. Though I know it isn't, it feels somehow wrong or something. But we are certain of our decision and so we keep "looking."

Our church in Iowa was amazing. So full of worship and so mission-minded. It had such a heart for the surrounding community, and the people were not afraid to get their hands dirty. I was amazed at how the church reached out to everyone. The ministers and the members would drive half an hour or more to visit other members. (The church was surrounded by rural communities and lots and lots of corn). There were fellowships of some kind just about weekly. We felt like family with this church right away.

Same with the church before that. So community-minded, mission-sending, and it felt like family. Rewind to California. I was so close to my church family there, and that church was constantly in the community, worshipping God, and fellowshipping with one another.

None of the above churches were perfect. But we are not looking for a perfect church. We are looking for a church that consistently: worships (has a heart for worship), reaches out to the community, does and supports missions, and feels like family (gets together often and checks on one another). We are not looking for a particular denomination, though we do have certain doctrines that we adhere to and we want to attend a church that adheres to the same ones. We weren't Baptist in Iowa (sh, don't tell), but after I found out that God isn't Baptist (don't tell that either - there are some Baptists who still don't know), I figured it might be OK.

We are becoming discouraged, and especially having no family here, it is hard to be in "church limbo." We still have strong friendships to people from our other church, but not having weekly worship with a church family can just make you feel so empty. So, please pray for us as we search. We'll keep you posted.

Charlie's Appointment

Charlie's appointment was yesterday. The orthopedist said that Charlie has congenital kyphosis. This is a condition that could lead to paralysis. By every indication (including what the doctor said as well as what I've found on the Internet), surgery is always the best option. Thankfully, we noticed the problem early and were able to recieve the diagnosis now, since the best time to operate seems to be before the age of five.

Now Charlie has to have an MRI to determine if he should have surgery right away or if we can wait a little while.

I am still kind of stunned, and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that one of my children has a progressive condition that could potentially cause serious medical issues. However, we live in a great place when it comes to medicine - Houston has outstanding doctors and hospitals.

And, yes, I am doing the mom thing: asking myself if I took enough folic acid in the beginning of my pregnancy, or if the medicine I took to stop my labor may have caused this, or did I eat too many brownies . . . even though know that this probably just happened because it did, I still go back in my mind and try to remember.

The above picture was taken of him just after his appointment. He was eating Oreos. :o)

School and Other Things

Today was the second day of school, and though I do not yet know all of the students' names, I am already starting to love them. I like to talk and joke with my students. I kind of like the teaching part too, but the talking and joking part is my favorite.

I get to be the cheer coach this year too! I'll have the JV girls. Is that a hoot or what? Stop laughing now. OK. That's enough. Really. Anyway, I have thoroughly enjoyed the girls so far. Right now JV and Varsity are practicing together, but in a couple of weeks I will have the JV girls all by myself! Other than getting to know the girls and going to games, the other things I am looking forward to are: once-a-month get-togethers, competition, and cheer camp! Rah!

School is already so much more relaxed than last year. First, I know the ropes a little better. Second, my hall is really fun. Also, we have an AWESOME chair for my department this year. I cannot stress this enough. She totally rocks, and I am not just saying that. I feel like I can breathe and be myself.

And as for other things . . . can I just tell you how much I love my family and friends? I have been thinking about this so much over the past few days. I am not a perfect person - not the best wife or mom or friend . . . my kids watch too much TV and often eat potato chips for dinner. Hardly anyone in my house sleeps in their own beds at night, and I am sure they will be emotionally scarred forever. However, whenever I tuck them into whichever bed they crawl into at night, they know that I love them. They smile and hug and kiss me. My husband talks with me about our problems. "Our" problems, because no problem is just mine or yours; we share them. We are a family. And my friends . . . you dear, dear ones, those whom I half-expected, half-wanted to hate me. You never did. How could I have sold you so short? If I have seen evidence of anything, it has been love and strength. My family and friends are so strong, strong enough to love and strong enough to accept, strong enough to cover over my mistakes. Strong enough to walk with someone through something very dark.

Much love to all of you . . .

Still On the Journey

We got Baby Butterbean and ourselves all ready to go yesterday morning, only to get a call from the doctor telling us we would need to reschedule the appointment. We were disappointed. We wanted to know what is wrong with him right now!!!! But we will have to wait until Aug. 28 to find out.

This week I haven't felt too well, but I felt better yesterday and I feel better today. I spent yesterday shopping for school stuff. Scott has been at school getting his new room all set up. He has had to move rooms because his previous classroom (that has been his classroom for the past two years!) has asbestos under the floor and must be renovated! Yikes! Moving rooms is a huge job for a teacher, especially if you've been in one room for awhile and have made a little nest for yourself. So Scott is working hard this week. I'll be going up to my school to organize my nest tomorrow.

Last week we were in Arkansas. We got in some good Grandma, Pappa, Uncle Matt, Aunt Lisa, cousin Trevor, Aunt Elizabeth, and cousin McNary time. I also got to see my beloved Courtney and Rachel, my BFF of course! (CBB, make sure Rachel sees this!) I got to have long talks with people that I love about things that matter, and even though we didn't come up with any concrete answers, we felt better knowing that our struggles were the same.

We did fun stuff last week, like having Elizabeth go with us and the kids to Wild River Country; going out for Chinese food with the family; having the McNary cousins over for dinner; taking the kids to MidAmerica Museum, the Promenade, and Bathhouse Row in Hot Springs; and celebrating Daddy's 76th birthday with homemade chocolate meringue pie. Again, as soon as we learn to upload videos, you will be able to see some of our adventures!

So, I'm still on this journey of uncertainty and wondering. I may not ever have the answers I am looking for, but at this point, assurance and peace would be welcome friends in the absence of answers. What a year it has been! I think about it every day, how one event really has changed every aspect of my thinking. That change in thinking has in turn changed my life, my outlook. I used to feel like I was on a mountain and could see everything beautiful and green and clear all around me. Everything was in its place and everything made sense, everything mattered. Now I feel like I am chopping my way through a dense forest, full of trees I can't climb and rivers I can't cross and predators in wait all around me. Nothing is certain, nothing makes sense, and I'm constantly being tripped up by debris on the path, trying to figure out what matters.

Much love to all of you -

Spinal Scare

Baby Butterbean is walking around here like crazy. He'll be running soon. It's crazy!

Not long after he started sitting up, I noticed something that I didn't like about his back. The lower part of his spine was sticking way out, curving outward, and he almost looked hunch-backed or something. I mentioned it to my doctor at his six month checkup, but the doctor didn't seem alarmed, saying that as long as he was sitting up fine and it didn't hinder his movement, it was nothing to be immediately alarmed about. We LOVE our pediatrician! Love him. And at the time, BB was going though some rough stuff with several bouts in a row of RSV, about which the doctor was alarmed.

Fast forward to BB's 12 month checkup, which he had just a couple of weeks ago. I again pointed out my discomfort with his spine situation, and the doctor spent a good bit of time examining BB's back. This time, he was concerned. So he ordered x-rays, and I got a call today that has gotten me unnerved. Even though the doctor said it is not an emergency, I'm the mommy! I have a right to be unnerved.

I still don't know exactly what is wrong, but to hear the words "malformation," "deformity," and "congenital" about a condition that involves my child made me want to cry. The doctor said something about certain bones not closing properly, a curving of the lumbar, and "spinal dysplasia," that is, if I caught everything! He may have said more . . . I don't know. Anyway, I had to get busy right away securing films of BB's xray as well as getting an appointment with a pediatric orthopedist.

BB is the one of my children who has ever had health problems. The asthma issues, bouts with RSV, even the eczema, have all been hard on me. I know that I am blessed, that there are parents who deal with so much more serious issues. Still, I am a worrier by nature, so it has all been kind of tough to take. I just want BB to be the happiest, healthiest baby around. And it's hard to be happy while being sicky. Still, I think he has weathered it all better than I have!

So we'll be meeting with the orthopedist on Aug. 12 and will know more then. I'll keep you all posted. Please keep my little Butterbean in your thoughts and prayers. He is so happy and cute and we are all so happy he's in our family. I just want him to be OK.

Cutie

What It Is and What It Isn't, But Mostly What It Is

I don't claim to be an expert on anything these days, except maybe in messing up. But I have been learning a lot about what it means to minister and be ministered to. I have been more guilty of what mistering is not, than what it is, and, yes, a couple of items on this list are borne of frustration, disappointment, and anger. But the majority of it is born of humility. I have been humbled by true examples of ministry, and when I am out of this and on the other side and when I (if I) become the person (I hope) that I'm meant to be, I want to help people, to minister. I am also learning that I didn't know as much as I thought I did about anything, including ministering (maybe especially ministering). Thank you for ministering to me. Thank you.

Ministry drives an hour (or five or ten) to sit with someone, listen to them talk, listen to them cry.

Ministry speaks words of healing.

Ministry is available at a moment's notice; it makes time.

Ministry tells someone that they are worth the trouble.

Ministry does not just send an e-mail or two and leave it at that.

Ministry lets someone know they are loved.

Minsitry loves someone in the midst of their unloveliness.

Ministry does not wait to be asked.

Ministry calls you every day, whether or not you want to be called.

Ministry doesn't always ask, "What can I do?"
Ministry just does - something, anything - because ministry knows that doing something is better than wondering what should be done.

Ministry helps you laugh through tears.

Ministry does not just wait at an alter, but pulls you toward it.

Ministry hugs with big, big hugs, and long ones.

Ministry has big shoulders, and lets you use them.

Ministry does not judge, but ministers with the grace already experienced.

Ministry does not always say what we want to hear, but always says what we need to hear, even when it is painful (to say and to hear).

Ministry wounds faithfully.

Ministry does not just listen, but hears.

Ministry offers hope.

Ministry is not afraid of you.

Ministry is not afraid of the hard stuff.

Ministry is not afraid to get dirty.

Ministry will sit on your bedroom floor and talk with you for an hour and a half (or more).

Ministry says, "Call anytime. Anytime," and means it.

Ministry knows what you can't ask for, and offers it anyway.

Ministry remembers you next week.

Ministry believes for you, when you cannot believe.

Ministry meets you where you are.

Ministry accepts you just the way that you are, right now.

Ministry brings chocolate. :o)

Ministry lets you have another cup of coffee.

Ministry says, "I will always be your friend, and nothing that you do or say can ever change that. I love you."

Ministry is personal.

Ministry can save your life.

You Are One, Little One!

Our sweet Baby Butterbean turned one on Friday! It's hard to believe that he could have started out at just a little over 5 pounds. Now he is my chubby little monkey. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that we've had him in our lives for an entire year.

We love you Baby Butterbean! I'm so glad you are part of our family!

Summer School, Part II

I think I have realized the reason I agreed to teach summer school is that I had a subconscious need to be punished for all the bad things I have ever done in my life.

The Teacher

East of Houston
a teacher
her students

Many days she wonders
Sometimes she knows

Three dots tattooed
Between the thumb and first finger
She knows

One of her students broke a finger
It was black and blue,
purple
so swollen

The teacher said to her,
Why don't you go to the doctor?
That must hurt . . .

Her beautiful student
with the loveliest dark eyes
framed by long eyelashes,
curly, curly hair
and a ready smile
said to her,
Miss, you don't know . . .
you don't know how it is
with us.

Edgar was in the hall
laughing with his girlfriend
and talking to Jose,
who said,
My uncle has some of that stuff
it was in his car last night
we can get some tonight . . .

Jose and Edgar
laughing, jovial,
always ready
with a greeting
for the teacher.

Today she knows
what tonight will be
for the two boys

The teacher sits at her desk
in a school
just East of Houston.
She sees the large, round city,
a gray outline each morning
as she follows lines of other cars
going that way . . .

And knows that what is there
and East of there
and West and South
of the round, gray city
is a world filled with people
wanting to escape

and those people have children
who want to escape, too
But until they can,
she will teach them
from a book filled with stories.

Summer School

My summer is not here yet. I'm teaching summer school. So I'm waiting for July 1st to arrive so that I have my break.

I'm not on my normal campus, and I've taken over a room that a math teacher uses during the school year. It appears that the math teacher is also a coach.

So I am spending this day cleaning trash out of the classroom, arranging desks, and doing lesson plans. Oh, and blogging.

And thinking.

I know what I'm in for here. Well, kind of. I know that these students have failed their course for the year and need to make it up. I also know (because some of these students will be my former students) that some of them won't pass in summer school either, because they just don't care.

And that makes me think about a lot of other things. About people and life in general. About wanting more for yourself. About selling yourself out for stupid things. At least some people know better. I wonder if these students know better.

Bad things have happened to many of my students. Really bad things. And yet, the human race continues. We go through pain and mistakes and we continue. We chose to have babies and raise families, all the while knowing that there is pain in this life. But we do it because we want to or think it's the right thing or the best thing or it's just what human beings do. No one wants to be alone, and maybe togetherness will ease some of the shared pain.

I don't know.

As I live over my many mistakes, maybe this summer with these students full of pain will offer some kind of cleansing. Maybe we can share some pain and some literature and by July 1st something new and better will show itself for all of us.

My Favorite Sunday Secret This Week . . .

A Few Pics from the VW Show

We went to the Bay Area VW Club's VW Show at the San Jacinto Monument on May 17th. Here are some of the pics. More to follow when I can ever figure out how to download more pics from my cell phone.
The kids had a great time looking at all the cars! So many colors!!!!

My favorite car at the show.

Banana had to touch everything on every car.

Half a Decade

Noodle is five years old today!

And, again, no pics. I have them on my phone but cannot figure out how to download them onto the computer.

For her birthday, Noodle requested a mani-pedi and a movie. So yesterday, that's exactly what she got. She looked so cute and way too grown up for her own good as she sat in a cute little pink chair with butterfly wings on it. She was totally into getting pampered as her feet, legs, hands, and arms were massaged and her nails painted. She even got cute little designs on her nails. Too adorable. She thought she was a princess. Well, she IS!!!

Then we went to see Monsters vs. Aliens, which was really cute. She was so happy to go to the real movies. It was Noodle's perfect day.

And she is the best Noodle in the whole wide world!

When Noodle was born, she cried and cried and cried. I was so worried about her. It broke my heart to hear that little cry. But as soon as the nurses handed her to me, she stopped. Chicken Nugget and Noodle are five years apart, so I was a little bit scared that maybe I had lost my baby touch. But Noodle and I became close right away. I remember once when she was just about five or six months old, I had to leave her with a babysitter for a few hours. I hugged and kissed and cuddled little Noodle before handing her off, and I told the babysitter, "I'm not used to being away from her. She is just my little friend!"

The babysitter said she could tell that we were like a team. :o)

Now my little Noodle will be going off to big school next year. I can't believe it. Let me tell you, Noodle is really something special. She is very selective about handing out affection, and you know that it is really a treasure when Noodle gives you hugs and kisses. I've had to get used to that, since I'm an affectionate person, but it has just made me appreciate Noodle all the more.

Noodle loves to draw and paint and do any kinds of art. She also loves to sing. She is so talented, and she hangs a new picture on our bedroom door every other day. Noodle is very generous with her artwork, and when you come to visit us, you will not leave without about five pictures she has made for you.

Noodle, we love you so much and I am so glad you are part of our family! You are amazing! Happy birthday!

Relationships

I have been thinking (a dangerous past time, I know . . .) a lot about so many things as I've been on this journey of . . . uncertainty, I suppose you'd call it. This morning, my thoughts are about relationships.

Last night, I had dinner with a friend. We talked, had a nice time. Some of the things we talked about were important; other things weren't. But I left with the feeling that I was important to her.

It has occured to me that when it comes to relationships, no one wants to be someone else's agenda. Do you know what I mean? And while I've heard that concept many times while preparing for the ministry, I don't know if I was ever really taught it. (Maybe I was, and just don' remember . . .) Nor did I understand how to put it into words until just this morning.

A friend of mine recently told me that he has a problem with the concept of "missions trips." He said it's like going to a group of people and saying, "My God is better than your God." I had never really thought about it like that. And since I am in this process of rethinking pretty much everything in relation to God and faith, I've been rethinking the concept of missions trips as well. If I ever go on another one, I think I'd rather call it a relationship trip, or perhaps a friend-making trip. Not that I won't have convictions (I hope!) and a good message, but didn't Jesus even form relationships first? And won't there be real people to encounter, and won't the people be just as important as the message? Am I making sense?

The best friendships I have had through the years have been those in which I can laugh and talk a mile minute with the person, but also be able to sit in silence for a long time without feeling any need to talk. That is to say, there is such a comfort level that it doesn't matter what the other person is doing; there's no need for a schedule, there's no need to be something that we are not. The best relationships I have had have also been those in which just the sight of the person brings joy to my heart. Do you understand what I am saying? There's comfort in our likeness and our differences, there's beauty in our conversations, there's love whether we agree or not, and we both feel important to the other when we leave. No matter what is at the end of this path that I'm on, I do really know one thing: I want to show authentic love to other people.

Chicken Nugget

She is TEN today. TEN years old. Double digits. When did this happen?

Oh, yeah. Today.

I've been thinking about her birth a lot today. I had been having contractions for a week before the doctor decided to get things rolling. I was put in the hospital on Tuesday, the 19th, about 4pm. I began the induction process, and I remember a lot of friends and family coming in and out all that night and the next day. I remember watching the Columbine tragedy on TV while laboring. I remember pushing till I thought I could not push anymore, and at one point saying, "I cannot do this!" I remember finally hearing her cry and being overwhelmed with several emotions, and also being exhausted. They handed her to me; she was so tiny and as soon as she heard my voice, she looked right at me and stopped crying. Later that night, she and I were alone in the hospital room, and I held her and wept. I told her over and over how much I loved her and that I was so glad she was mine. I was overcome, and crying was all I knew to do. I didn't think I could ever love anyone that much.

The years have been crazy for the two of us. Being divorced from her dad before she was even a year old, then moving three times before she was four years old; getting remarried and watching she and BW have ups and downs, then moving once more before she was six. Then add three more people to the mix - but she's taken it all with grace and stride.

I have not always done right by her, but she is always gracious to accept my apologies and offer quick forgiveness. She is so special, and everyone who has ever known her says how wonderful she is. And, well, she is! I may have made many mistakes these past ten years, but thankfully, I have many more wonderful years with her to learn and grow and become better and better. She has taught me so much, and I am humbled by the amazing person that she is. I do not know what I'd do without her.

I love you, sweetie! Happy 10th!

Easter Pictures . . . Oh, Wait . . .

Yeah, I don't have any. That's because our stupid digital camera is, well, stupid. And dead. But let me try to paint the picture:

Chicken Nugget - satin-esque, sleeveless, white with diagonal blue stripes, wide waist of white ribbon with blue ribbon making a bow and a lovely blue jewel in the middle of the bow. White headband with flat bow. Off-white matte flats with slightly raised heel, cut-outs, and rhinestones. Ruffle socks. Stunning.

Noodle - blue cotton-blend sleeveless, white floral with tucks on the front, tied in the back. Gathered bottom. Lovely faux daisies (three) with blue beads in the center of each flower. Simple and elegant. White headband with gigantic white flower at the side. White sandals with silver flowers down the middle. Ruffle socks. Lovely.

Banana - blue plaid-patterned shorts with sky-blue belt, white button-down pique short seeve with collar, blue sweater with bunnies around the bottom edge. Argyle socks, white canvas strap shoes. Very country-club. Quite handsome.

Baby Butterbean - blue plaid Classic Pooh one-piece romper, short sleeves. Argyle socks. Blue puppy bib. Adorable.

Last night was fun; we dyed our Easter eggs. Again, due to stupid digital camera, please picture eggs colored with crayons and then dyed pastel pink, yellow, green, and blue. Twelve of them. After the dying, we made hamburgers and hot dogs. Then fixed up our Easter baskets with grass and our dyed eggs; Noodle had drawn about 12 pictures for the Easter Bunny, so she also put those in her basket; the Easter Bunny must have loved them, because he took them with him. Today, after church, I hid eggs for the kids, but inside; it was raining. They didn't seem to mind. I got nervous when one of the hard-boiled eggs still was not found, but thankfully it turned up about an hour later.

Church was good this morning. We had a cardboard testimony service. I had never seen one, and it was very moving, even for me - a dried-up cynic at this point. Most moving were my friends who held up their cardboard sign that said, "Three Failed Marriages Between Us" and on the other side, "Now a Blended Family Growing in Christ - Just Celebrated 4-yr Anniversary."

I don't know, still, about a lot of stuff, but I know that today's service was meaningful, and that the church's stage was full of people, my friends, who had found some kind of restorative power in a God that they personally know. Look at this to see a cardboard testimony service. I wish ours from this morning was on youtube, but this will give you the general idea anyway.

Hope you all had a blessed Easter, and found what you needed today. Much love to you all -

Poetry and Stuff

I'm putting some new stuff here.

It's just stuff that I don't think fits with family updates, etc.

Our Day in Downtown Houston at the Houston Zoo

We did park-and-ride. Houston has some good public transportation. Too bad it's not so good for getting into Houston, like the public transportation in San Francisco's Bay Area. It's getting better, though. There's now a bus you can catch from Baytown, but only at certain times of the day. But this is a post about our day in Downtown Houston and at the Houston Zoo, not about public transportation! So, the above picture is Buffalo Wings and the big kids walking to the train.

Here are the big kids waiting for the train to arrive.

As we waited for the train, I took some pics of downtown Houston. Above is a statue of a lady's head. Don't know who she is or why there's a statue of her head, but I thought it was cool.

Above and below: downtown Houston cityscape. I LOVE driving around in a big city. Though I like San Francisco better, Houston is still really fun to drive and walk around in.

The dazed children ride on the Metro.

The Houston Zoo is inside Hermann Park. George Hermann (whose lovely statue you can see above) is known as one of Houston's greatest benefactors, and Hermann Park is a wonderful place with lakes, trails, a train, playgrounds, and fountains.

The big kids in front of one of Hermann Park's fountains.

At the zoo - are those Houston lawn ornaments? Nope, those are the real thing!

Baby Butterbean was all like, "Man, I love those flamingos. I mean, they are really something!"

What was it with me and water fowl today? Above, Chicken Nugget and some pelicans.

Above, Noodle at the petting zoo. Below, Banana at the petting zoo. Goats are very friendly.

Above and below, the big kids at the reflection pool.

A picture of Hermann park's palm trees. That's right - green and lovely, and have been that way since mid-February. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying. To the right of those palm trees is the spray park, and let me tell you, there were plenty of kids getting soaked and cooling off after a long day in the toasty Houston sunshine.

Heading back to the train after a long day at the zoo.

One of downtown Houston's Metro trains.

A cool church downtown.

Did I mention that I like cityscapes?

Well, I do. A lot.

And while Houston is no San Francisco or Chicago, it's pretty spectacular in its own rite.