My Donut Joys and My Donut Woes

I love donuts. I just do. What can I say? Donuts are amazing. When I lived in Benton, when Eliza was about two, she and I found the most amazing donut shop. It's sad that I forget the name of it now, but that was ten years ago. Eliza loved stopping there, as was our Sunday morning ritual on the way to church. These donuts . . . ahhhh . . . they had the most amazing chocolate glaze. Just the right texture, not too thin, perfect chocolate taste. There will never be another chocolate donut to equal it. That place shut down after I moved to San Francisco. I was sad to hear it. Eliza used to call them "people donuts." That's because I would tell her we were going to the place to get the good donuts and the "donut people" would ask us what kind of donuts we wanted. I have a picture of her in her highchair eating one of those "people donuts." Still such a fun memory!

In San Francisco, it was Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. I never really went for those. They were way too sweet. It's like they just couldn't get the balance right: there has to be just the right amount of yeasty, doughy goodness to balance a light, yet just-sweet-enough-glaze. The Krispy Kremes put the sweetness level over the edge. And the donuts there were to scrawny. Scrawny, skinny, too-sweet-to-taste-the-yeasty-doughy-goodness. No, thanks. I tried, ya'll. I really tried to like the Krispy Kremes, because everybody said, "Oh, you HAVE to have the Krispy Kremes! They are SO good!" But, sorry, they just didn't live up to my standards.

In Highlands, I was going to The Donut Palace. The owner knew the kids and me by name. Everything there was good. But then the owner got pregnant and started to get very sick. The hormones took over, and she just couldn't be around all the donut goodness anymore. I felt her pain. I remember when I was pregnant and couldn't eat anything, I used to call "donuts," "throw-nuts." So, I missed her. Some of her family members took over that shop, but nothing ever tasted the same after that. The kolaches were never as rich, and the chocolate glaze tasted like fingernail polish remover. So I quit going there and landed down the street at Dannay's Donuts.

Dannay's. Yum. Now, we have enjoyed Dannay's hit-and-miss the entire seven years we have lived in Highlands. But now I am a loyal customer. They have the best, most perfect-tasting kolaches and these melt-in-your mouth blueberry donuts with the absolute exact amount of idyllic glaze . . . heaven.

I don't know if you can tell, but I am passionate about donuts.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I have moved. I am far from Dannay's donuts now. I am unfamiliar with the donut shops around my new place. It's not easy being on the donut market again. Trying all those new donut places, some twice or three times just to make sure it really wasn't better than the other place. It's a job. Gonna be a chore.

However, I believe that I am strong enough to find a new donut place that is conveniently located near my new home and on the way to work. I have the fortitude to see it through. I will always miss Dannay's, and I may just have to visit from time to time, but I feel sure that, in time, I can embrace a new donut place.

Tapping Out and Chillin'

It felt great to train after taking a week off to pack up to move. I did karate and bjj on Monday night. After karate, I was talking to a couple of friends, and they asked if I was doing bjj that night. I said, "Yes, but I haven't been here for a week! I don't know if I will remember how to roll!"

They said, "Yes, you will!"

My first opponent told me, "Man, you're being aggressive tonight, Miss Amy!"

I said, "Well, they told me I needed to be a little bit more aggressive."

I tapped out my second opponent with a choke. It was legit. I could not believe it and kept asking her if it really was legit.

Then I rolled with Mr. Jordan, my black belt instructor. Yikes! The guy keeping time felt like adding two minutes to the roll. The other instructor, Mr. Robert (brown belt with some new stripes!), was sitting right there watching the entire roll and pushing me a little bit. He said, "You're trying to do to many fancy moves; you've been to too many Charles Oliveira seminars!" Ha ha, Mr. Robert!

I kept asking, "Can I punch Mr. Jordan in the face?"

Mr. Robert kept saying, "No, you cannot punch him in the face!"

But I did do a couple of kidney punches on Mr. Jordan. They let me get away with it.

After class, I rolled a little nogi with Mrs. Vicki. I like my grips. My grips are my security. Nogi is hard but exhilarating. She tapped me out with a choke.

Lots of tapping going on Monday night.

As for karate, what is up with my roundhouse kick? I can get it in kickboxing, but not in karate! I don't know what it is. In karate, I feel like a circus sideshow. In kickboxing, I feel badass!

My punches are good, though. But Mr. Robert had us doing high jab, middle punch, front drop kick, roundhouse kick combos. Talk about a circus sideshow! Yikes. But I did land a couple of good kicks when Mr. Robert came around. It just took me awhile to get to the roundhouse kick; there are so many steps in order to get there, and I am an old lady! I never can get that foot-twist, hip-turn-over thing for the roundhouse kick in karate. I prefer the kata. It's peaceful and it focuses me.

Anyway, after class, Vicki, Belinda, and I just sat for a little bit and watched the advance class. We talked to Mr. Robert while we watched the guys roll. It's fun to watch and dissect their moves, and say, "Woah!" when someone does a flip or something like that. It was a really relaxed time, chatting with Mr. Robert and the ladies and talking about technique and life in general. I said that I was going to create a Donut Diet, and that I was going to market it and it would become a huge company and sponsor me when I am a cagefighter. Yes, Elite has truly become my family and my home-away-from home.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a really bad time mentally and emotionally. I just could not get my head straight, thinking about the divorce and all the changes that were going to come with it. I was feeling like a failure. I did karate class, but then I just needed to go home. I didn't want to take my stuff onto the mat like that, you know? I knew my head would be somewhere else and I'd have a bad class. Mr. Robert saw me leaving and said that doing class would help me get rid of a lot of my stuff for that day.

I said, "Mr. Robert, I just can't."

He said, "Well, do you need to talk?"

So we talked. I cried. I cleared my space. Later I texted him to say thank you. He texted this back:

"You're welcome, Miss Amy . . . remember you have extended family at the gym always."

One Big Mess

Here's the thing about life: we need one another.

It's risky to get involved with anyone. Friendships require a jumping-off point. If I get involved with you, and really invest in your life, I have to know that at some point you are going to need me.

But here's the trade off: I will need you, too.

Need. Not just want. I have already chosen you. I already want to be with you. But we are human, with all our human emotions and trappings and downfalls. One day, someday, something in your life or my life is going to get messy. It will be a mess that you or I can't clean up on our own. It will be a moment that brings tears and weakness. It will be a situation that, without each other to lean on, one or the other of us will fall apart and fall out of life.

There was a time in my life when I was very proud. I hated asking for help. Admitting that I needed help meant that I was weak. It breaks down so much pride to say to a friend, "We have to go from you enjoying me to you having to help me." What if people don't like me after they help me? What if they see how vulnerable I am? What if they think I am a fraud, now that they know I cannot always be strong?

Friends won't care. A friend still invites me over even after I have exhausted the world with my story and my tears, and will let me exhaust the world some more at their kitchen table. A friend will strengthen with love and believe in me without judgment.

We were not meant to walk alone. We don't have to have the same personalities or opinions, but we do have the common denominator of need for one another. We need community. And in this big ol' mess called life, I think that is beautiful. I hope to always need and be needed.

My "New" House

What it lacks in size, it makes up for in charm! I move Saturday.

BJJ Seminar Pictures: Leticia Ribeiro seminar in Austin and Charles Oliveira seminar in Houston

Debra, Emily, Leticia Ribeiro, and me, Sunday, June 12, 2011

Me, Beatriz Mesquita, Emily, and Debra, Sunday, June 12, 2011

Charles Oliveira, me, and Debra, Friday, June 17, 2011

I Train Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

I train Brazilian jiu jitsu.

I am a teacher and a mother of four. I am five foot, one inch tall, and weigh 165 pounds. i am almost 35 years old, not much to look at, and I train jiu jitsu.

Before I go to class every day, I have already gotten up at 4:30am, gotten myself and the kids ready and out the door for the day, and tried to teach 150 ninth-graders to love reading and writing. I have come home, done some chores, put on a gi, and gotten myself and my daughter to the gym.

I have never had an athletic bone in my body, and now I take classes in three forms of martial arts: Brazilian jiu jitsu, karate, and kickboxing. It's come slowly over this past year: first jiu jitsu, then kickboxing (which I never can attend as much as I want), then karate. Over the past year, I have been beaten up, bruised up, twisted up, pinched up, and stiffened up, but I have never given up.

I came to martial arts in my own time, at the right time, and I learn in real time. It's not easy, and I have to work hard. I learn at my own pace, at my own level, and I am taking this as my own journey. I think I am close to allowing myself to let it be mine, and to accept myself where I am. I want to accept that it will take time for me travel the rest of the way. I hope that "the rest of the way" takes a long, long time, and that I never stop learning.

I have been to two belt tests and one competition for jiu jitsu. These were hard-won, hard-earned milestones. I have never had athletic abilities. At least, none that I k new of before finding martial arts. None of the movements come naturally to me in jiu jitsu. Every technique involves several intricate parts, and my brain and body working together often confuse one another. I have off days, just like everyone, but I don't stop working.

I like to close my eyes when I roll. It helps me breathe. When I take off my glasses, I am legally blind. And yet, I can make it through a roll, I have landed a punch or two, and I have gotten in a few kicks that went the right way.

I am not a failure, and I won't listen to that little voice that says I am.

My limitations make me work harder. They make me stronger.

I am a woman. I was born with natural emotions that have to be released. I am a woman, I behave like a woman, and I train martial arts like a woman. I won't apologize for that. I will control myself when necessary, and cry when I need to. I can train with focus, I can train with strength, and i will do both.

I train at a gym filled with people who give the best of themselves to bring out the best in me. i train at a gym that advocates for women in the sport. I train with supportive men and women have become more than friends - they are my family, and I love them dearly. They are amazing, and I want to be amazing like they are.

When it comes down to it, I am just cells wrapped in tissue. I am made out of earth and meant to one day return to earth. But when i throw a punch, and I land that punch, I feel with ever fiber of my cell-and-tissue-and-earth being that I'm really alive. I feel like I have found that thing outside myself that I can do. I feel strong. I believe that I am strong.

I am a short, chubby, thirty-something, vision-impaired teacher and mother who trains Brazilian jiu jitsu, karate, and kickboxing. I will never stop.

Changes

Lots of things have changed since last year. I haven't posted, because there's a lot I haven't wanted to talk about or let people know just yet.

I'm still teaching, and I still love it.

I started taking martial arts classes, and I love them. I started with Brazilian jiu jitsu. I wanted something to help me lose weight and to give me some self-defense stragegies. I had no idea I'd fall in love with it. I started watching UFC as a result of my interest in martial arts, and now I dream of being a cage fighter! I think I can do it, one of these days. But I decided I needed to work on my stand-up game, so I started taking kickboxing and karate. I love all three classes. I like karate more than kickboxing, but jiu jitsu is still my favorite.

Now to unpleasant news: Scott and I are getting divorced. Please don't comment about the divorce here on the blog. Send me a private email message.

I am teaching summer school now. At the end of this month, it will be finished and then I'll have a nice couple of weeks in Arkansas.

Much love to all of you, and just so you know, I really am doing OK!