Dear Birthday Fairy, Take a Look:

If I had $75 extra, I would make this mine. If you want to make it yours, go here. Hurry up and get it. It won't be there tomorrow.

Aaron

You looked at me
and in an instant,
I saw you as a man -
your little-boy face
no longer there:
your little-boy days
escaping rapidly,
as a fleet of ships
speeding toward distant war

I looked at you
and your innocent smile
was changed:
your jaw more square,
your shoulders broad,
your laugh, deep and sure

You looked at me, and all at once
the solid little boy
was a strong, solid man
as calendar leaves
flew by me,
fluttering in a wind
I could not catch

Then again - in an instant
your blue eyes caught mine,
your exclamation-point laugh
hung in my ear
as I looked down
to where you lay in my arms,
your fluffy, golden hair
brushing my chin
as you wrapped your hand
around my finger,
and I held you that moment,
hung on for dear life -
that dying moment
before the wind
whipped up again.

9-18-2011

The Heart of a Fighter

The heart of a fighter
beats to the rhythm
of a thousand others
coming alongside,
those whose hearts
have bled into his:
their pain, their wounds,
their sweat and blood,
their strength for his good.

The heart of a fighter
is made by his peers
who push and encourage,
who offer fists for fists,
bruises to heal any weakness,
and a hand under his chin
with a long, cool drink of water

The heart of a figher
is never born alone,
is never left alone,
and his proudest moment
is the moment that,
when images blur,
and above a crowd's scream,
a Master's voice is all the fighter can hear -
From deep within his corner:
"That boy there - That's MY fighter . . . "

9-16-2011

I was inspired to write this after watching my friend last night, who is training for his first cage fight. It was the shark tank, but I watched our coach give him a drink of water; it was one of those moments when you understand what this sport is about, and what the heart of it is.

BJJ Blues

Everything is different now. My life has changed. Even though it was a change that needed to happen, it's been a big adjustment. My schedule is different. I miss the kids. I have up days and down days. I am getting used to it, and I know that one day it will all seem normal.

I have missed several days and weeks of training in all of this transition. I love training. I love all of it: the punching and kicking of kickboxing and karate; the intricate moves and submissions of jiu jitsu. Martial arts is a big part of my life now, and missing training makes me feel empty in a way.

I know that I will get back in a routine, but I feel so discouraged. I can't train on the days that I have kids, and I really don't want to. I want every undivided moment I can have with them. On the days that I don't have the kids, I am so exhausted I usually go home and fall asleep. I know that I am not balanced right now, and I need to train.

My goal is to get my blue belt by December. I know I can do it if I work hard enough. I have been hearing that little voice lately. The one that tells me I am really not a warrior, that I really don't have it in me. The voice tells me that I don't have the heart of a fighter, that if I did, I would push through against all odds. The voice tells me that when I get back to the gym, I won't be any good anyway. I have been told at the gym by friends and coaches not to listen to that voice. Many times I have been told. So how do I get rid of it? How do I stop believing it?

I don't know what the answer is. But I have to get back. I have obstacles and limitations to overcome, but I know I am strong. I have been strong. I have to pull that strength back out. I miss BJJ and karate and kickboxing. This is MY journey, and I want to continue it. I can't give up.