Grasping

Yeah, I blog a lot. It is a great outlet for me. It makes me feel better. And I think this is ok. I know only one other stay-at-home mom. I don't talk to a lot of people during the day. So blogging is my outlet. And sometimes, when I am just grasping to figure things out, I will sit down and start to write and things clear up.

It was a difficult weekend. I was frustrated. I was angry. I cried. I questioned if I even really needed to be a mom. I beat myself up for not being kinder to my kids. I admonished myself for letting small irritations turn me inside out. I felt sorry for my kids to have to have a mother like me. I wondered if as a wife, mom, person in general, I would ever get it. You know? Will I ever, really, get it? Will I ever arrive? And if so, when?

BW stayed at home with Banana this morning. Banana, we think, is cutting more teeth and is being cranky and a little fevery off and on. Sunday school was very good. We're doing a new study and taking turns in class leading it. I lead the lesson on forgivness. This morning the lesson was on slothfulness. I enjoyed our friend's lesson. She did a great job. But I got to the choir room and forgot all about the great lesson because someone had taken my choir folder! All my music was in there. My folder goes in slot 83. My robe is on the hanger with the number 83. I am number 83! But slot 83 was empty. No music! Why did someone take it? Why didn't they know that it was mine? So I had to scramble around for a folder and ended up using one with a broken ring, so my music kept sliding all morning. But I tried not to be so petty. I really did. I asked a couple of people about my music later, but they had no idea about it, so I cheerfully replied, "Oh, well! That's ok! I'm sure we'll find it around here somewhere!"

There was a dinner after church, a pot-luck thing. I really wanted to stay, but with BW gone, there was no way I could handle Noodle all by myself. My friend said she'd help me out, but I somehow got separated from her between the fellowship hall and the nursery, and Noodle was gearing up to throw a world-class fit, so we just went home.

We got home and in the middle of lunch got some horrible news. One of our friends in Sunday school learned that her father had died tragically while we were all at church this morning. Today has been spent making arrangements for our friend's family as far as coordinating meals and collecting money for flowers. I remarked to a friend who called, "Our Sunday School class has so many needs right now," because we are helping out a friend who is going through chemo and are praying with two others who are out of work. And you wonder, why? Why all of this, why so many needs? But through it all, I am so thankful for the wonderful people in our Sunday School class who rush immediately to any need.

I'm reasoning things out, I suppose. I'm still not happy with myself. I'm not happy that I was so irritated by my kids' actions this weekend. They are just kids. I'm not happy that I don't have more grace with them or with my husband. I don't want to be the ultra-petty person that I am that got so irritated that my choir folder was gone from its spot and no one seemed to know where it was. Who cares? It was just a folder, and all the songs got sung regardless. When there are many more very important and life-changing things going on with dear friends all around me. And I'm worried about kids being kids and my folder not being there.

So why can't I change? When will I? It makes me sad that I am this way. It makes me want to change, but I'm not sure how. If only selfishness could be manifested into some physical matter, then I could just take it off and lay it down and get rid of it. Same with anger, unforgiveness, pettiness, you name it. I'm just not the person that I know God wants me to be. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

O Lord God, You love me so much. Sometimes I do not know why, when all I do is fail and disappoint You. Please teach me self control, that I might put my flesh aside and only serve You. May Your desires become my desires, that I might delight myself in You so that You may give me the desires of my heart. Oh, my Father, please forgive me all my pride, selfishness, and petty ways. Please help me focus on what really matters, on my husband and children and on serving the Body. Please strengthen my flesh, that it may be disciplined to do Your will. Father God, I cannot ever thank You enough with words or deeds for Your great sacrifice of love. Because of Your sacrifice, I can pray to you with confidence, I can live with You eternally, and I can know You personally. I do not want to experience life without You; may I be bold in sharing You with those who are experiencing life without You. Lord God, You are the greatest joy in my life. May I only ever honor You.