Remembering My First Love

The first time we went back to church (here in Baytown) after the accident, I cried the whole time. I clung to my baby and cried. We took the Lord's Supper that day, and I was reminded of His provision, and I cried. That was pretty early on, and the tough questions hadn't yet started swirling around in my head.

This past Sunday morning, 7AM, and I didn't want to go. I knew I should, knew it might help me, but I had a heart that was very hard and bitter that morning. I didn't know how I could sit through Sunday school without everyone seeing right through me. And I certainly wasn't expecting God to show up! I was just wanting to get through the exercise and go home.

The Sunday school lesson was about . . . um . . . something,I don't remember, but - it was the Scripture that hit me square in the face. We opened to Isaiah 30, and verse 18 says this: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!"

It was the word longs that jumped out at me. It reminded me of a conversation I'd had with Scott when I was still living in California. From Iowa he'd called me, and told me that he missed me, that he was pining for me. Seeing the word longs in verse 18 made me remember what longing for something feels like. I remembered pining for, longing to be near Scott. It was such an aching feeling, to want to be near him, but to know that I couldn't.

I sat there wondering, is God longing to be near me, to show me compassion? This God that I've been doubting and wondering about, is He doing that? Even after I (like the obstinate nation in the verses before) have been turning away from Him? Wondering if God was longing for me was something that started to touch my heart.

If I hadn't been in the choir loft Sunday morning, I would have cried again. We were singing this song:

All who are thirsty,
All who are weak,
Come to the Fountain,
Dip your heart in the stream of life;
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of His mercy,
As deep cries out to deep,
We sing,
Come, Lord, Jesus, come
Holy Spirit, come
As deep cries out to deep
1998 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)Words and Music by Brenton Brown and Glenn Robertson

I don't have any more answers than I did before, but I know that I felt something on Sunday. It felt a little bit like a softening, maybe. And I was a little bit lifted just to be feeling again.