2AM

I went to bed at 8PM, completely exhausted. I woke up with the baby at 1AM and took some Excedrin for a headache. Now I can't go back to sleep.

I was just reading The Second Summer of the Sisterhood in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. I'm halfway through the book and just discovered that each girl (except Bridget, whose Mother is not living) is in a fight with her mother. The theme of this book seems to be mother-daughter relationships. I've heard that a woman's realtionship with her mother is the most complicated one in her life. It's a good book so far.

I've been thinking about writing about my New Year's Resolutions. I have several, but I kind of don't want to share them out loud (so to speak). There are several changes that I want to make, but I don't know if I'm brave enough or consistent enough to follow through. What if I don't, then you all think that I'm a big failure?

I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to before the Scott and the kids. I think about that a lot. There's not one place in this house that I can look that's not a reminder of my family. My bookmark is one that Eliza made me for Christmas. On the desk beside me is Eliza's report card and her reminder note for her academic after-school competetion. She's doing oral reading; a poem. In my pocket today, I carried a picture Molly had drawn of our family and insisted that I take with me today. Molly likes to draw things and tape them to the doors and walls. Right now, on our bedroom door is a picture of a not exactly round face with large, not-round eyes and a crooked smile. I can't remember if it's my face or Scott's. Sometimes Molly forgoes the paper altogether and just draws directly onto the wall or door. Aaron has taken to getting into bed with us these days and playing with my hair till he falls asleep. He needs to pick up his Thomas trains and his Lincoln Logs. I step on them when I'm changing Charlie's diaper. There's a trail of Charlie's spit-up-on clothing and blankets trailing through the house. There's a chubby finger wrapped around mine as I feed him in the middle of the night. I was really only joking when I asked Scott tonight if someone might take our kids, and then we could sleep at night. Sleepless nights are hard, but I really do like those kids a lot.

I like being a teacher. I have several students with tattoos. One of my students has a tattoo that reminds me of something I saw on TV about radiation patients getting tattoos so that they'll get the radiation in the right spot. I mentioned that to my student and said, "Does that tattoo mean something?" His gaze strayed to the spot on the knuckle of his thumb where the three dots were, looked at it briefly, and then said, "Yeah, Miss, it means something." He wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I didn't have to guess. Mostly the kids in gangs interact peacefully at school; I'm not worried. But I am hearsick for most of them, because I know that this is a replacement for family and real belonging. I have this quote from Helen Keller up on my wall: "I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something."
I hope that will be true.

As I've been on this journey with God these past 22 years, I've come to recognize His voice in my life and how it is that He speaks to me. I'm sure you understand. Sometimes it's a still, small voice, a gentle whisper that you recognize. Sometimes it's a voice so loud in your ear, it's like a bullhorn. I've been hearing the bullhorn lately.

Much love to all of you. I love to hear and read about all of your adventures. I just hope you're sleeping peacefully as I write about mine!