Everything is different now. My life has changed. Even though it was a change that needed to happen, it's been a big adjustment. My schedule is different. I miss the kids. I have up days and down days. I am getting used to it, and I know that one day it will all seem normal.
I have missed several days and weeks of training in all of this transition. I love training. I love all of it: the punching and kicking of kickboxing and karate; the intricate moves and submissions of jiu jitsu. Martial arts is a big part of my life now, and missing training makes me feel empty in a way.
I know that I will get back in a routine, but I feel so discouraged. I can't train on the days that I have kids, and I really don't want to. I want every undivided moment I can have with them. On the days that I don't have the kids, I am so exhausted I usually go home and fall asleep. I know that I am not balanced right now, and I need to train.
My goal is to get my blue belt by December. I know I can do it if I work hard enough. I have been hearing that little voice lately. The one that tells me I am really not a warrior, that I really don't have it in me. The voice tells me that I don't have the heart of a fighter, that if I did, I would push through against all odds. The voice tells me that when I get back to the gym, I won't be any good anyway. I have been told at the gym by friends and coaches not to listen to that voice. Many times I have been told. So how do I get rid of it? How do I stop believing it?
I don't know what the answer is. But I have to get back. I have obstacles and limitations to overcome, but I know I am strong. I have been strong. I have to pull that strength back out. I miss BJJ and karate and kickboxing. This is MY journey, and I want to continue it. I can't give up.
1 comment:
We will all keep reminding you to not listen to that little voice. You have the heart of a fighter...don't ever start doubting that...we don't call you "Pitbull" for nothing!! Things will get leveled off and settled down, just allow yourself the time you need to mentally and physically adjust to this new schedule. I know that you are capable of reaching your goals and I will do whatever I can within my abilities to help you reach those goals. You are my partner in crime after all. Don't give up and hang in there. This too shall pass and you will be stronger for it all on the other side.
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