Because I Don't Want Them to Be Like Me

I wasn't a great student in high school. I wish I'd had a better grasp of how not applying myself and not being a better student would affect me later. I could have gotten better scholarships. I could have cultivated self-discipline. To an extent, I didn't care. Another part of it was that I thought I wasn't smart. I must have driven my teachers crazy.

I hear it all the time now:
"That kid is really smart, he could really understand, if only he would apply himself."

But how do you teach that? How do make a kid want to learn? How do you make it matter to the student that education is important? How do you make the student care that he has such an advantage in the world, by being offered a free education through the age of 18?

I don't know. I don't know if you can. No one could teach me. I had to learn it much later.

I went to college. Even had some small scholarships. And I had a dear professor who recognized something when he saw me: That I was capable, but didn't know how to study. After five minutes of talking to him, and about two or three tips, I got it. I knew how to make things stick in my mind. And I made the Dean's list and the President's list. Things I'd never accomplished in high school, though all that time I could have, yet it took me till then to start. Why? Sometimes I still don't know.

I'm sure there are kids at school that are a lot like me, who start out thinking they are stupid (mine was mainly because of math, and it started in the fourth grade), and then an attitude of, "Well, things will just work out." And then you have these great kids, who could be superb students, that have their teachers pulling their hair out.

I don't want my students to be like me. So many times when I could have studied, I didn't. Even though I didn't have (what I later learned) the best study skills, I could read and understand the English language. I had teachers who were always willing to help me. I had friends who did great in school, and parents who wanted me to do well. I could have graduated with a much higher GPA. And I'm sure I could unpack it all and get down to the psychology of it all, the whys and the whats and etc., but when it comes right down to it . . . it was all my fault that I didn't do better than I did.

And every time I think that I am about to become a teacher, I feel so disappointed in myself. And I feel a little bit like a hypocrite. Maybe a lot like one.

Once in seminary, during a very hard class, I was pulling a C. Granted, it was a strong C! But it was a C. I was looking over my grades and my friend was standing nearby. She could see that I was crestfallen and asked me what was the matter. I showed her. Trying to cheer me up, she said, "Hey, just remember, C stands for Commencement!"

But I just didn't feel that way. All those years after high school . . . thinking back on high school, I just laugh at the way I feel now! I certainly didn't feel that way in high school!

And I know that high school is about becoming who you are, discovering things about yourself, turmoil, angst, etc. etc. . . . and I wasn't a bad kid or anything . . . I just . . . could have done better. And I wish I had.

And what am I going to say to my students? How am I going to make it matter to them? How am I going to encourage them? What will I do? How will I invest in them? How will I make it real, articulate to them that it is important, what they do right now? How will I reach the ones that were like me, that could just do better?

I won't be able to help caring about it. I care about it now when I see the students and watch them, and I'm only a substitute.

I'm scared, I'm unsure, I'm hopeful, I'm not going to live like I did in high school. And I'm not going to let who I was in high school make me who I am now. I've learned from it. I hope I'll remember what I've learned. I hope I can make an impact.